Baby can't buy this love

(With apologies for an unintended absence far longer than I had anticipated -- Drat! I hate being unable to access high-speed Internet when I'm away from home -- I'm diving back into the ReD Zone forthwith.)

In case any of you missed it a week or so back, the so-called "Runaway Bride" decided she needed more than her alloted 15 minutes of fame and snatched the spotlight again -- by up and suing her ex-fiance' for $500 grand. Seems she just couldn't leave the poor man alone, and let him extract what dignity he could from selling "their" story. (Hello, for the indignities he had to put up with, thanks to her shenanigans, I don't blame him at all for trying to extract something tangible from the relationship. And if that something tangible is green with dead Presidents on it, fine by me. I'm sure men everywhere will be lining up to read his memoir for all the 20/20 hindsight he can provide on what signs indicate it's time to hightail it outta there before the honey starts acting, ahem, out of whack.)

I do believe the poor girl has gotten the Phil Collins/Dixie Chicks number "You Can't Hurry Love" mixed up with "Can't Buy Me Love" as sung by the Beatles (and more recently, my man Michael Buble'). I do believe I feel a song coming on. With my apologies to all afore-mentioned musical artists, here's a sampling of what might have transpired - er, transgressed? - in this star-crossed "duet."

Him:
I need love, love to ease my mind ['cause my dear ex clearly personified the antithesis of that.]
I need to find, find someone to call mine [for starters, anyone who's not her will do.]

Her:
Mama said 'You can't hurry love, no you'll just have to wait. [In Vegas, or well, just about anyplace that's not the wedding chapel or reception hall. A good 5,000 miles or so should do it.]
She said 'Love don't come easy. It's a game of give and take.' [Yeah, he gives up the story to the press, I'll take $500 grand.]

Him:
Say you don't need no diamond ring, and I'll be satisfied. [Heck, you can even keep the one I gave you on bended knee, just please leave me be. ]
Tell me that you want those kinds of things that money just can't buy [like loyalty, or discretion, or well, why not start with good, old-fashioned SANITY?]
'Cause I don't care too much for money. Money can't buy me love. [But at this point, it might go a long way toward salvaging my wounded pride, thank you very much.]

Her:
She said "Trust, give it time, no matter how long it takes. Ya gotta wait!"

Him:
How many heartaches must I stand?
Before I find the love to let me live again? [Or at least live in peace, dignity and relative anonymity.]
Right now, the only thing that keeps me hanging on [is the thought of clearing my name],
When I feel my strength, yeah, it's almost gone -- I remember -- [When I'm making the talk show rounds promoting my book, Barbara Walters will be asking me her famous question: "Was that her cry for help?"]

Her:
"Just, give it time, no matter how your heart must break."
No love, love, don't come easy.

Him:
[You got that right.]

Her:
But I keep on waiting, anticipating
for that soft voice, to talk to me at night
For some tender arms to hold me tight
I keep on waiting, I keep on waiting

Him: [And you'll be waiting forever, as long as I have something to say about it.]

Her:
But it ain't easy. You know, it ain't easy.

Him: [Um, and whose fault would that be, now?]

Her:
Can't buy me love, love. [sniff]
Everybody tells me so.
Can't buy me love, love. No, no, no! [But I think if I could just have enough money to buy some shoes, and outfits, and a ticket back to Vegas, I might convince someone to ignore everything you're going to write in that book, and still manage to land a date somehow. I mean, I still intend to search for Mr. Right and all.]

Him:
How long must I wait? How much more can I take?
Before lonliness [wait a minute, change that to humiliation] will cause my heart, heart to break.
No, I can't bear to live my life alone [But on second thought, I can be alone for quite some time if it means being free from the likes of you.]
I grow impatient for a love to call my own [Dude, ditto.]
But when I feel, I feel I can't go on.
These precious words keep me hanging on: [Permanent restraining order.]


What's really ironic is that "You Can't Hurry Love" is on the soundtrack to the "Runaway Bride" movie featuring Julia Roberts and Richard Gere.

You know, on second thought, if some irrational judge or court somewhere orders this poor man to hand over even a portion of his newfound riches to this deluded girl, it may turn out to be worth every penny.
Good luck, sir.